When giving a speaking engagement or in a similar type of situation, these are great openers. Just make sure your jokes match the crowd you are giving them too, if you are too off color with the wrong type it may not go the way you wanted it to.

One Liner Jokes

Why do accountants make good lovers?
They’re great with figures.

What does an accountant do when they are constipated?
They get a pencil and work it out.
OR
They use a No.2 pencil.

Why accountants don’t read novels?
Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
“Darling, could you tell me about your work.”

What do you call an accountant seen talking to someone?
Popular.

What do accountant’s do for fun?
Add up the telephone book.

What is the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don’t understand.

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
How much money do you have?

What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.

What’s an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he is talking to you instead of his own.

What is an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.

Why did the auditor get run over crossing the road?
Auditors never actually do the risk assessment well until after the accident happens.

Why did the accountant cross the road?
To bore the people on the other side.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold a road map the wrong way.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
Depreciation.

If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep what does she say?
“Darling, tell me about your work.”

What did the accountant say when he got a blank check?
My deductions have at last caught up with the salary.

What did the accountant say when he looked at the tax form?
The man who set the standard deduction must have been a bachelor. I am lying when I am listing myself as a head of household.

Why the accountant started smoking?
So he can deduct cigarettes from his income tax. Called it loss by fire. So his medical expenses went above the 71/2% threshold.

How does an accountant stay out of debt?
He learns to act his wage.

Where do homeless accountants live?
In a tax shelter.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn’t budget so he had to work it out with paper and pencil.

Did you hear about the shy and retiring accountant?
The accountant is $1 million shy and hence is retiring.

There are just three types of accountants: those who can count and those who can’t.

My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is looking up is that it’s flat on it’s back.

A fool and his money are soon audited.

What’s the difference between death and taxes?
Congress doesn’t meet every year to make death worse.

And the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
Jail.

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
Hmmm….let me run a few numbers and get back to you….

Why did the accountant put his CPA license in the front window of his car?
So he could park in the handicapped spaces!

How does the kinky accountant do his accounting?
On satin balance sheets.

Q. After mixing the genes of a porn star and a rhinocerous together, what do you get?
A. An Auditor who butts his nose at every material transaction, and charges a lot of fees for every Satisfied EXplanation.

Q: What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
A: Someone who has a loophole named after him.

Q: What is the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

* Accountants have the best figures and do it without losing their balance.

Most people go to their doctors when they can’t sleep at night. When doctors can’t sleep at night, they go to see their accountants.

The usual follow up to “Accountants are the ones who come in after the battle and bayonet the wounded” is:
Lawyers are the ones who follow the accountants and strip the bodies.

Which end of the rope do you throw to a drowning accountant?
Both!

Q. What do you get when you cross an accountant and a gorilla?
A. A smarter accountant.

There are 3 kinds of CPA’s in the world – Those who can count, and those who can’t.

Q. What do you call an Accountant who marries an Actuary?
A. A Social Climber

Q.What does an actuary do to liven up a party?
A. He invites an accountant.

Q. What does CPA stand for?
A. Can’t Pass Again.

Newton’s Laws of Accounting
1. For every accountant, there is equal and opposite accountant.
2. Both of them are wrong.

Budget: An orderly system for living beyond your means.