Top 10 Lists Accountant Jokes

Top 10 Signs Your Accountant is Nuts

10. In several places on your tax forms, he’s written, “Give or take a million dollars.”
9. Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures.
8. You notice that his “calculator” is just a broken VCR remote.
7. Insists that there is no such number as four.
6. He laughed at Bob Dole background check (I am sorry – that’s a sign he is hypnotized).
5. Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents.
4. Advises to save you postage by filing your taxes telepathically.
3. Instead of a CPA license, he’s got a framed photo of a shirtless Alex Trebek.
2. Demands that you call “Una-countant.”
1. He’s got a 1040 form tattooed on his ……….

Top 10 Signs You’ve Hired a Bad Accountant

10. You hear him on the phone saying, “Have I ever let you down, Leona?”
9. Instead of IRS, sends your completed tax return to UPS
8. His “short form” looks suspiciously like a cocktail napkin
7. He lets you list your imaginary friend as dependent
6. Lists every time you laughed at Letterman as “charitable donation”
5. Used to be some kind of financial big-shot in Orange County
4. Announced he donated all your assets to O.J.’s defense fund
3. On the 1040, he lists your occupation as “sucker”
2. At least five times, he says “here’s a little trick I taught Darryl Strawberry.”
1. He makes you wear a hospital gown

Top 10 Pick-Up Lines of Accountants

10.”You’ve got a lovely pair of W-2′s.”
9.”Please, baby, let me withhold you.”
8.”Technically, having sex with me is a charitable gift.”
7.”In my office, ‘I.R.S.’ stands for ‘I’m really sexy.’ ”
6.”If I help you screw Uncle Sam, can I be next?”
5.”You’re entitled to a $5,000 tax break on your municipal bond income…now let’s do it.”
4.”Let’s fill out a 1040 — you’re a 10, and I’m 40.”
3.”You’re the kind of girl I could take home to mother – which is good, since I still live with her.”
2.”Lady, you make my pants file for an extension.”
1.”Nice assets.”

Top 10 Ways To Make Doing Your Taxes More Fun

10. Do ‘em naked.
9. Instead of a restaurant receipt, send them leftovers from the meal in question.
8. Frequent use of the word “eleventeen.”
7. Claim a deduction, do a shot!
6. In “For Office Use Only” area write “Approved. Send refund immediately.”
5. Apply a long-term capital gain rate of 20% to a mutual fund, do a shot!
4. Sneeze on forms.
3. Instead of using dated definition of income, use the proposed revised definition under section 643(B) in which conforming amendments are made to regulations affecting ordinary trusts, pooled income funds, charitable remainder trusts, trusts that qualify for the gift and estate tax marital deduction, and trusts that are exempt from generation-skipping transfer taxes — that always puts a smile on my face.
2. Deduct $100 in medical expenses for all the paper cuts you suffered because tax form is 75 damn pages long!
1. Audit yourself, if you know what I mean.

Top 10 Signs You Work in Public Accounting/Consulting

10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their processes.
9. You get all excited it’s Saturday so you can wear casual clothes to work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes in your garden as deliverables.
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for living.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
5. You wear gray to work instead of navy blue to make a bold fashion statement.
4. You know the people at the airport and hotel better than your next door neighbors.
3. Ask your friends to “think out of box” when making Friday night plans.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
1. You think a “half-day” means leaving at 5 o’clock.